Freedom to Remember

A song on the radio; the smell or sight of something familiar; something someone says or does that is seemingly insignificant to them, yet is of great significance to you…

Each of us have certain triggers and when those triggers are pulled, memories of our loved ones can come flooding back to us—whether or not we are ready. For me today, it was a song on the radio, I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe.

I Can Only Imagine is the song I desperately wanted to have played at our daughter’s funeral. I say wanted to have played because this song had just come out on the radio at the time of our daughter’s death, and I could not for the life of me remember what it was called. I could have spent 2 days (the time we had to prepare for our daughter’s funeral – very few of us make funeral arrangements in advance for our own child) glued to the radio listening for the song to play, but rather than adding the extra stress to my life, my husband and I settled on Amazing Grace for Alysa’s funeral. Amazing Grace is a beautiful song, but every time I hear I Can Only Imagine, my heart almost comes to a standstill. I can only imagine what it will be like, not just to see Jesus one day, but to be reunited with my daughter for eternity.

I imagine my daughter and what it will be like to see her again. I think of the first time I saw her here on Earth…and of the last…and of the twenty-eight days in between. Though remembering my daughter makes me a little sad, I rely on faith to pull me through.

In the beginning, it was almost too painful to sit and purposefully remember my daughter Alysa. All I could think about was how desperately I wanted her back. Thoughts of hopelessness would prevail over me until I was once again paralyzed by grief.

But in learning to accept God’s plans for my life, as well as for the lives of my identical-twin daughters, I have been able to make peace with my daughter’s death. I do not always like the plan, but I trust and believe that God’s plan is sovereign. I know that His plan is bigger and better than anything I can ever imagine, and that it is His plan that will bring Him glory. I’ve learned to love the Lord enough that I want Him glorified, even at the expense of my own suffering.

My faith offers me hope for the future in spite of my daughter’s death. My faith gives me the freedom to remember my daughter because I know she did not die in vain. Though I miss her dearly, I can enjoy remembering her because I know we will be reunited again someday.

By His Amazing Grace...