My Place of Peace

WWJD?

2009-11-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

“As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead.” James 2:26

Okay, so maybe the trend of wearing WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) apparel has long since faded…it is still a powerful question to ask yourself.

Now when I speak of doing something in the following paragraphs, please understand that by no means am I implying that salvation is based on acts. The bible clearly teaches that, “It is by grace we have been saved, through faith—and this is not from ourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works” (Ephesians 2:8-9). I am referring to acting out the Christian faith through love for our brothers and sisters.

I came to the sad realization yesterday that often times, when faced with the chance to do something, it is actually easier to do nothing. When faced with an opportunity to give of yourself, to put yourself out there for someone else, to share your faith with someone or to lead a group of people, it’s easy to shy away.

Satan fills us with excuses and self-doubt. “I don’t have time.” “I don’t know enough to teach a class…what if I begin to slip in my own walk with the Lord?” “I’m not sure how to really reach someone in need.” “Why would God want to use me?” But none of these excuses hold-true for a person of faith. Philippians 4:13 reads, “I can do everything through Him.” Do you believe He is enough? Will you let Him be enough?

In the Great Commission, Jesus calls us to be His hands and feet; to go to the ends of the earth (Matthew 28:16-20). “It is God who works in us to will and to act according to His good purpose” (Philippians 2:13). It was such a huge relief for me to learn (through a bible study titled Experiencing God) that God is not waiting on me to dream up nice things to do for Him. No, He is already at work. God wants to reconcile a lost world to Himself much more than we do. He works through us to accomplish His purposes. Are you available for His use?

Again you say, “I don’t know how.” Just ask. Ask the Lord to open your eyes to see how or with whom He wants to use you to impact the Kingdom. Ask Him to help you overcome your own unbelief (Mark 9:23-24).

I know. It’s easier to do nothing. I could have not written this blog... Lately, we’ve been experiencing trouble with our internet connection (hoping to get this resolved today…and now it has, hence this post!). As I turned on my computer this morning to write I could not get on-line. I could have done nothing. It was 5:20AM. I could have very easily headed back to bed. However, I knew I would regret not capturing the thoughts floating around inside my head. I don’t always know if or how these entries make an impact, but I trust that God has laid these thoughts on my heart and mind for a reason. So I act out of obedience to Him. I wrote this blog the old-fashioned way: with my real bible (vs searching an online database of Scripture – www.biblegateway.com is a good one) and a word processor.

As we near the season of giving, don’t hesitate to give of yourself. The gift of your time, your talents, and your love will go much farther than anything you can buy at a store. Let us strive to act out all year long what our faith commands us to do—“To love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind, and to love our neighbor as ourselves” (Luke 10:27). The next time you are faced with an opportunity to be His hands and feet consider, WWJD?

More importantly, what will you do?

Rejoice In Suffering

2009-11-06T06:34:00.000-08:00

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

Rejoice in suffering...sounds good in theory but it is oh so hard to do in practice. However, I have recently been inspired by two different families who have held strong to their faith in spite of their sufferings. These families - like many others - have chosen to praise God's name in the midst of a storm.

The faith of these individuals demonstrates their unfailing love for God. 1 John 4:18 reads, "There is no fear in love." They are able to trust the Lord because they know, remember and believe “that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him” (Romans 8:28). They know that because of their faith, they will be “more than conquerors through God who loves us” (Romans 8:37). Loving and trusting the Lord in times of plenty is easy...well, sort-of. But praising Him when life gets tough?

A few days ago, I received a text from my mom. She was sharing with me something she had read on a church marquee: "One moment in God's kingdom will pay for it all." Faithful followers of Christ are able to see past their "light and momentary troubles" because they know something greater awaits them through their faith in Christ. "It is by faith you stand firm" (2 Corinthians 1:24).

1 Thessalonians 5:11 reads, “Encourage one another and build each other up…” We are “mutually encouraged by each other's faith” (Romans 1:12). Hebrews Chapter 11 is full of examples of faithful followers from the past. But I have, and want to express my sincerest appreciation for those who are standing firm in their faith now because it encourages all of us in the hope that we as believers have for our future.

Pride

2009-11-03T12:01:00.000-08:00

"If you're going to blow a horn, blow a trumpet for God." 1 Corinthians 1:31 (The Message)

Oh how pride is one of those messy issues we'd rather not deal with! It is certainly something God has placed on my heart more than once as I've prayed for Him to "Search me and know my heart; point out anything in me that offends You" (Psalm 139:23-24).

A thought came to me as I meditated on the Lord this morning: pride stems from a lack of understanding.

If I truly understood God's sovereignty; His reign, His power, His mightiness;

If I truly understood that it is the Holy Spirit who works through me, who empowers me to do God's work;

If I truly understood that, "From Him and through Him and to Him are all things" (Romans 11:36) or that "By Him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by Him and for Him" (Colossians 1:16),

there would be no issue of pride.

If I boasted, I would boast only in the Lord (1 Corinthians 1:31).

Heavenly Father, please forgive me for all the times I have attempted to take credit for Your works. Help me to realize that "apart from You, I can do nothing" (John15:5). Help me to surrender myself to you daily so that Your power and Your glory may be revealed by the Holy Spirit working through me.

Q&A

2009-10-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

"Your road led through the sea, your pathway through the mighty waters - a pathway no one knew was there!" Psalm 77:19

Psalm 77:19 is a glorious reminder of God's ways. He often plans a path for us which we didn't even know was there; and that is why we are called to walk by faith.

I read Psalm 77 during my quiet time this morning and if you are unfamiliar with this Psalm, I hope you will allow me the grace to summarize...

The Psalmist is crying out to God, feeling as though he has been forgotten by the Lord. He calls out in distress; he can't sleep; he can hardly pray; he remembers good times in the Lord and questions where God is now that he really needs Him. The Psalmist spews a string of questions; questions which mirror the doubts I had about God after Alysa passed away.

I began writing a blog titled "Q&A" nearly one year ago after the release of the song "Yours" by Steven Curtis Chapman. In his song, Mr. Chapman sings that he’s “walked the valley of death…and questioned everything that he’s believed” (referring to the death of his beloved daughter in May 2008). For some reason, I never finished my thoughts. But when I read Psalm 77 this morning, I was reminded of the questions I had for God after I traveled through the valley of death, watching my own daughter pass away in my arms.

Tragedy often causes us to question our faith. Sometimes, this can be the scariest experience of all—questioning everything in which you’ve ever believed. It can be especially frightening if you can’t find the answers…or worse yet…don’t even know where to look. I pray that this topic will be the premise of another book. But for anyone questioning their faith now, let me share with you where I netted out a few years ago in my own Q&A session with God.

Q – How could God allow this to happen? Where was God when our twins became sick? When Alysa died in my arms? Was my big good God not as great and as mighty as I once thought? Had I slipped His mind? Had He made a mistake? Was He not in control?

As a woman of faith, I believe that God is always in control. But I questioned how my big, good God could have let these tragedies occur in my life. I had always believed that God wanted good things for His children, for those who believed in Him. So when tragedy stuck my life, I was instantly thrown off course. I could not comprehend how these heart wrenching events had been allowed to happen to me. I wanted to believe that God had made a mistake—but the God I knew didn’t make mistakes. I questioned if He was really in control—but the thought of God not being in control was more than I could bear.

A – The bible reads, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, and I am with you” (Isaiah 43:2, 3, & 5). Psalm 121:3 reads, “He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber.” Psalm 139:16 reads, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Hebrews 13:5 reads, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."

God never promised that life would be easy. In fact, in John 16:33, the bible says just opposite, “In this world you will have trouble...” But He promises to be there, “…take heart! I have over come the world” (John 16:33). The truth is God is always there! The circumstances surrounding our twins are the events He ordained for me. But this truth wasn’t enough…selfishly, I wanted to know more...

Q – Why did God allow my daughter to die?

A – I believe I will never fully understand in this lifetime why certain things happen (see previous blog entry!). However, I have discovered and accepted that God has purpose in every event. Romans 11:36 reads, “Everything comes from God alone. Everything lives by his power and everything is for his glory.” I may not like the fact that my daughter passed away, but knowing that God has purpose in it brings me peace. Am I mad at God for having purpose in my daughter’s death? I was, but God has done so much for me, first, in my salvation through His Son (which should have been enough for me, but sadly, it wasn’t) and second in giving me hope after my daughter passed away, that I’ve learned to "love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my soul and with all my strength," as Jesus describes as the greatest commandment in Mark 12:30. I love the Lord so much that I see it as a privilege for God to use me and my life and my circumstances for His glory.

Q – Was it my fault? Was God mad at me? Did I do something to bring this upon myself?

A – John 9:2 describes a time when the disciples questioned Jesus, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus replied, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” It wasn’t my fault. Our experience played out so that the work of God Almighty might be revealed in our healing, in our coming to know Him, in our proclamation of His truths!

Q – How would I ever overcome Alysa’s death? Could I ever be happy, live greatly again?

A – I was familiar with scriptures such as 1 Corinthians 2:9, which reads, “no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him,” but I saw no way for goodness to return to my life after Alysa’s death. However, I eventually realized that if I wanted all the “good” things I’d read in the bible to apply to my life, then I had to accept everything I’d read; I had to believe in the author of what I’d read...I had to believe in God.

Rom 8:28 reads, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” It doesn’t say in some things, it says in ALL things. I couldn’t make sense of things, so I had to trust God to hold true to His promises. I had to accept Alysa’s death and trust God to pull me through. Trusting God instantly brought me freedom. It wasn’t up to me anymore to figure things out. It was up to God. Surrendering to Him, turning to Him for answers brought me peace…and allowed and encouraged me to trust Him more. God used Alysa’s death to draw me into an intimate relationship with Him.

Ephesians 3:20 claims that God “is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” And He is! But He does it “according to His power that is at work within us.” You must trust and believe Him in order for His power to work within you. Mark 8:35 reads, "Only those who throw away their lives for my sake and for the sake of the Good News will ever know what it means to really live.” It's true. Only since learning to live His way have I begun to truly live!

I don’t know what each of you may be going through. I can’t give you all the answers. But I can lead you to the truth. In Jeremiah 33:3, the Lord says, “Call to me…” It says to call Him, ask Him, question Him, scream at Him if you must…just go to Him. And then He says, “…and I will answer you” – He’ll answer you! – “and show you great and mighty things that you do not know.” Seek Him. Trust Him. Learn to love Him. Let Him lead you down the “pathway you didn’t even know was there” and "show you great and mighty things that you do not know!"

You Can't Fit God in a Box

2009-10-19T05:29:00.000-07:00

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." Isaiah 55:8

When trials are brought upon us in life, so often there is a natural, burning desire to know why. Why me? Why this? Why now?

I have been guilty of this type of questioning on many occasions. After Alysa passed away, I was plagued with questions of "Why?" Most recently, a friend called with devastating news, and I found myself, in an attempt to consol my friend, trying to explain away her circumstance. "Maybe it was because..."

Isaiah 55:8 reads, "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts, and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine" (NLT). When I seek to answer "why" questions, I end up conforming God, limiting God to my way of thinking. The audacity of me, to think that I could possibly even come close to understanding why God allows certain things to occur in His world! I praise God that He does NOT think like me!! As my children have come home from Sunday School chanting, "You can't fit God in a box!"

A wise soul once suggested to me, rather than asking "Why?" ask "What?" What does God want to do through your circumstance? God's number one desire is for us to know Him intimately. So for starters, realize that God wants to reveal something about Himself to you. The Creator of the universe wants you to know more about Him. I would never have come to know God as the great Comforter had I not experienced a situation in which only He could comfort me.

Lord, I pray that you will forgive me for trying to fit You inside a box. Sweet friend, you know who you are. I do not pretend to know why some things happen. But you and I both know this...

"In all things God works for the good of those who love him" (Romans 8:28). “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5). You can "Come to Him, all you who are weary and burdened, and He will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). "Call to Him and He will answer you and show you great and mighty things that you do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3). And last but certainly not least, "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" (1 Corinthians 2:9).

From East to West

2009-10-03T19:31:00.000-07:00

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12

I originally started this blog with a request for forgiveness...as this is yet another post about a lesson learned from my children. However, I realize that there is no need for apologies. Instead, let me start by praising God for continuing to reveal His character to me through my beloved children...

Just yesterday, one of my young daughters and I engaged in yet another battle of the wills. It begins with what we're wearing for the day (and I try to be flexible - unless we're going to church, I don't even mind if they wear clothes that don't match; actually, I do mind but I've chosen to let it go!). Then the battle moves to the brushing of teeth; then on to shoes. Oh, the drama! I have a hard time dealing with the ridiculousness of it all. It's one thing to be upset about something critical; but to have an all-out meltdown about the length of our pants or supposed itchiness of our shirt? It's driving me batty! Not to mention that the same battle usually flares up again at bedtime!!

The morning-time battle ended and as we headed outside to play, my opponent from moments past breezed by me, hopping, skipping, and singing, and even shouted, "I love you, Mom!" I, on the other hand, wasn't quite ready to forgive and forget. So I did what anyone who'd been so violently offended would do...I pouted.

Rather than joining my kids on the swing set, I chose to sit in my chair sulking in frustration. I questioned how, and found myself almost irritated that my daughter was able to laugh, play, and love so soon after our confrontation. Any notion of the offenses that had just taken place between the two of us was as far gone to her as the east is from the west. And then the Holy Spirit painted an immaculate picture in my head: that is how God acts towards us when we repent of our sin. No matter how big or little, if we seek His forgiveness from the depths of our heart - it's gone. Erased. He goes on to treat us, to love us as though nothing ever happened.

Heavenly Father, I praise You that "You do not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities" (v10); that, "as a father has compassion on his children, so You have compassion on those who fear You" (v13). Thank you for allowing my daughter to be an example of Your unending love for me. In Your mighty name I pray, Amen.

My Graying Crown

2009-09-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

"Gray hair is a crown of splendor; it is attained by a righteous life." Proverbs 16:31

Oh, how I laughed the first time I read Proverbs 16:31! All this month I have been reading one chapter from the book of Proverbs each day. I read from the New Living Translation so that I may better understand, and thereby apply, each verse. I don't know if this is okay to admit, but I've actually found many verses in Proverbs to be quite humorous...especially the verses about gray hair (the bible talks about gray hair?!?).

Even in my early 30's, I seem to be adorning a few, well...MANY gray hairs. I like to think that I've earned them (I am NOT making claims of righteousness here; I am referring to all through which we've endured). Just this morning as the girls were brushing their teeth, I found myself combing through my "crown" pulling as many little gray fellows as I could find. I chucked to myself trying to remember the verse about gray hair being a crown. The blessing is...I didn't have to think long.

After everyone's teeth were bright and shiny, I swung through our office to check e-mail (sometimes my seemingly only connection to the outside world) and took time to read my daily devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries.  Would you believe that the verse for today was Proverbs 16:31?!?!? (Check it out at http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/.)

God knows me oh so well. Psalm 139 reads, "O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.  You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.  You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.  You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord....How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand!"

God knew what I was thinking this morning. He knew what the verse would be today in my devotional from Proverbs 31 Ministries.  God orchestrates events like these to reveal Himself to us. I can hardly explain the humility I felt this morning as I read my devotional, knowing that was the verse I was searching for in my head just moments before.

Thank You, Father, for revealing Yourself to me. Thank You for knowing me, deeply knowing me - and for loving me anyway! Thank You for the gray in my crown; for adorning me with a crown...of splendor!

Faithfulness

2009-09-26T05:00:00.000-07:00

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much..." (Luke 16:10).

Tonight I have a story not from myself, but from a sister-in-Christ; one who also happens to be my sister in life...

Recently, my sister and her family chose to make a small monetary contribution to an organization that translates the bible to those in need. Several days later - out of the blue - my sister received a phone call from the local school district informing her that a certain dollar amount had been allotted to provide my niece with speech lessons. My niece has received speech lessons at the school in previous years but since deciding to home-school, my sister assumed the lessons would cease. Not only will the school district continue to support my niece with speech lessons, - now, get this - the dollar amount that was allotted for the speech lessons is exactly 100 times more than what my sister's family donated to the bible organization...exactly 100 times more...down to the penny. And no, I do not make this stuff up!

The Lord knows our actions. He is always watching. I fully believe it was not the dollar amount of my sister's donation to the bible organization by which the Lord was pleased; it was the state of heart from which it was given. God saw what was done. He loves each of us so immensely that He is desperately waiting to not just meet, but to exceed our greatest needs, highest hopes, and largest dreams in every possible way when we prove ourselves faithful to Him. "For God loves a cheerful giver" (2 Corinthians 9:7). "Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you" (Matthew 6:4).

Thank you Lord, for your faithfulness to us. Thank you Father, for revealing Yourself to my sister and her family in a way that was unique to them; in a way that only they would know it was You. Little sis, thank you for sharing the greatest gift with your children (Psalm 78:4) and for letting me share in your sweet blessing.

The Power of Christ

2009-09-20T05:19:00.000-07:00

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." Ephesians 1:18-19

Young children believe their parents have the power to do anything. I am humbled any time my children ask me to do something extraordinary, such as...

A host of weather-related requests: "Mommy, will you make the sun shine over there so my swing set will not be hot?" "Mommy, will you make the rain stop so I won't get wet?" "Mommy, will you make the wind stop blowing my hair?"
The requests to defy laws of gravity: "Mommy, will you make this picture fly all the way up to heaven?" "Mommy, will you reach way up into the sky and get my balloon (the one that I accidentally let go)?"
The most recent: "Mommy, will you pause the TV?" (Which with the use of modern technology like TiVo might actually be possible, just not in this house).

My children's requests demonstrate their faith (though sometimes distorted) in me; their belief that I am uber-mom! It is this child-like faith that Jesus is referring to when He said, "I tell you the truth, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it" (Mark 10:15).

One day my children will realize I have no special powers. My prayer is that they come to know the One who does. God has the power to do anything. Don't take my word for it, read the bible.

I can testify that He has the power to heal the sick (look at my perfectly healthy 14-week premature twin); the power to set free those held captive by grief; the power to uphold those who, because of life's circumstances, have become filled with doubt and unbelief; the power to provide; the power to forgive sin; the power to restore hope.

Can't see a way for God to make things right in your life? Good! As Morgan Freeman's character says in The Bucket List (a great movie which the hubby and I stayed up way too late watching last night), "That's why it's called faith."

God may not always use His power to do things the way we would like. Isaiah 55:8 reads, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways." However, we must trust that He knows best. In Matthew 7:11, we read again the comparison of an earthly parent's love for their child and God's love for us as His children: "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!" Don't have children? Then read 1 Corinthians 2:9 for inspiration: "no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."

Want to experience the "incredible greatness of God's power...the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead" (Eph 1:19-20, NLT)? Need help believing? Just ask (Mark 9:24). Like my children, make your requests known (Psalm 5:3, Philippians 4:6). "Be fully persuaded that God has the power to do what He has promised" (Romans 4:21).

Come and Get It!

2009-09-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies...my cup overflows." Psalm 23:5

I once believed that a deep relationship with God was only available to those consecrated in ministry; that I was somehow not worthy or "high enough" to enter into an intimate relationship with the Creator. I recently heard a friend make the same type of remark...hence this full confession from me!

Through the death of my daughter, God graciously invited me (invited me again, that is; somehow I missed God's original invitation to an intimate relationship with Him through my salvation) to meet Him at the cross. What does that mean exactly, to "meet Him at the cross?" To me, meeting God at the cross depicts the glorious fact that through the death of Jesus - on the cross - I am able to enter into a relationship with God. Without Jesus, I am not able to enter a relationship with God, because without Jesus, no penalty was paid for my sin, my sin is not forgiven, and a perfect God can not associate with my sinfulness.

Though God promises a life of goodness to those who love Him (1 Corinthians 2:9), I did not see how those things would hold true for me after enduring my daughter's death. However, after six months of wrestling with God, I felt the Holy Spirit saying, "Just trust me. Come to the table and let me show you the great feast I have prepared." I had no other hope on which to go. I guess you could say, I didn't have any other plans...my plans for my life were cancelled by my daughter's death. So this time, I accepted the invitation.

I came to the banquet empty-handed. I yielded all my expectations; I surrendered all my hopes, my plans, my ideas, and simply chose to seek what God prepared for me. Since seeking His will, His ways, His love, all hope has been restored...my cup truly overflows. Jesus once said, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty (John 6:35)."

God extends the same invitation to each of us. Though it can be hard for some to believe, He longs for us - each of us - to enter into an intimate relationship with Him; to pull up a seat at His table. You are, in fact, worthy! He loves each of us so much that He sacrificed His own Son just so that we could join Him in His House.

Accept the invitation. Take a seat at His table. See what He has prepared for you. The great feast is ready. It is up to you to come and get it!

Blessings in Disguise

2009-09-05T06:47:00.000-07:00

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

Blessings are everywhere…you just have to open your heart and mind to receive them.

Yesterday was “one of those days.” I wrote in my prayer journal that I was having a rotten day (I tend to write my prayers as I am sharing them with the Lord). And then I realized…the day was just fine. It was a perfect day, in fact; one that the Lord had made, which simply means, it was perfect in His eyes. It was my attitude that was rotten. I prayed that God would soften my heart before the kids woke up from their naps…in about an hour and a half.

The kids awoke and I felt better, but still not as joyful or as victorious as God calls us to live as His children. In fact, it went down hill fast, culminating with a certain little one having an accident on the way to the potty. I managed not to take it out on my daughter (after all, accidents are just that—accidents!) and, after a short prayer asking for self-control, chalked up the incident to just being part of my blessed calling as a mother.

As I began to rinse the soiled undergarment, red dye filled the sink. Stay with me here…my daughter had worn red Christmas undies; ones that are new to us. Because most children’s clothing is made of fabric which does not fade in the wash, I am certain I would have tossed the Christmas undies in the laundry with everything else. And you know what would have happened…later in the week, I would have likely ended up with an entire load of clothes that were the color of Christmas! Now, I love Christmas time, but I don’t need my children’s entire wardrobe the color of crimson!!

God did open my heart yesterday afternoon. Had I kept my hardened heart, I would have been mad, frustrated over encountering yet another mess to clean. However, I quickly became thankful for the “accident” because it saved me from a load of ruined clothes. The accident was…a blessing in disguise.

When you are having “one of those days,” rather than taking it out on those around you, take it to the Lord. He will not be influenced by our ugliness. “Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint,” Isaiah 40:31.

Gotta Have Faith

2009-08-31T13:24:00.000-07:00

"The Lord is good - indeed, he is a fortress in time of distress, and he protects those who seek refuge in him." Nahum 1:7

Oh Friends, the Lord is good! He is Jehovah Jireh - Hebrew for "The Lord Will Provide," or more literally, "The Lord Who Will See to It."

Today at bible study, my name was drawn out of a hat for two tickets to an upcoming women's event at our church. Some might call it luck...I call it faith! You see, this is an event I longed to experience but, because we closely watch our finances, had yet to decide if I would actually attend. When the bible study leader announced they were giving two tickets away, I felt that those tickets just might be awarded to me. Let me share with you the conversation in my head that occurred in a time-span of about 12 seconds...

"They're giving away two tickets? Oh, I so want to go! My name could be called. No, my name won't be called. Look at all these other women in the room. Well, why couldn't my name be called? I am the same as any other women in this room. God could choose to bless me just as well as He could choose to bless any other woman in this room. I need to believe in Him. Okay, I believe my name is going to be called" (ohh, I should sell tickets for the chance to spend a day inside my crazy head...just kidding).

I felt God speaking to my heart. No, I am not claiming that God speaks to me audibly; rather He speaks to my heart, just as He speaks to every heart that will listen. I felt God saying that He would rise me up if I would just believe in Him; have faith that He would do what He said He was going to do (Luke 1:45).

A few weeks back, I had a similar experience with the Holy One. I needed to write a check for my bible studies, but didn't quite have the finances to cover it at the time. No worries; I knew that my hubby would be paid at the end of the month and I could probably speak with the church about paying a week or so late. However, we had a few days until I needed to write the check, so I told my husband, "Let's see what God brings to us this week." Since deciding to stay at home 4 years ago, we've had to cut back on spending, but it seems that a rebate check or some type of reimbursement always seems to come at just the right time. And wouldn't you know...a $24 check came in from insurance a few days later. Oh, I had chills. But $24 wasn't quite enough to cover all the studies. So, we waited... Are you ready for this? These are the things that are so good, I just can't keep to myself... Would you know that a second check arrived later in the week that more than covered the rest of our expenses? A rebate check from one of our local service providers. Money that was due to us anyway, but that God chose to send to us at just the right time...so that we could see Him at work. He provided just what we needed when we needed it.

Now please realize, we consider our finances of utmost responsibility. Everything we have is from Him and He calls us to be good stewards of all He's given. I do not condone overspending and waiting to see what God provides. However, I do believe that He will provide exactly what He wants you to have when He wants you to have it. James 4:2-3 reads, "You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures." I believe He will provide so that we can do the things He wants us to do.

It was the same with my grief. God was there the whole time but He couldn't help me until I asked Him to; until I placed my faith in Him; until I believed not only that He could help me, but that He would. Faith is the key that unlocks the door to God's biggest blessings on your life. God will see to it that all of your needs are met. He is Jehovah Jireh. Whether it be financial, physical, or emotional needs, you just gotta have faith!

From Ordinary to Extraordinary

2009-08-30T05:48:00.000-07:00

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up..." 1 Thessalonians 5:11

So no one asked but I'm going to share anyway, the story that I "coincidentally" read twice within a 12 hour period (once in my bible study and again in a book my husband left for me...see previous post).

It was the story of the evangelist Dwight L. Moody; an ordinary, unordained shoe salesman who felt God's call to share the gospel. Mr. Moody was moved to respond to God's calling after hearing Henry Varley, a British revivalist, say, "The world has yet to see what God will do with a man who is fully and wholly consecrated to Him."

The point my bible study makes is that God can use anyone to accomplish His work, as long as they dedicate themselves to Him. The thought of our extraordinary God using ordinary people excites me to no end because I want God to use me...pick me! God has done such a work in me - first in my salvation and second in giving me hope after Alysa died - that I owe Him all I have and more. I get so excited about the thought of serving Him...almost, to a fault.

You see, and this is SO hard to admit, I want God to use me. I almost get envious when others go before me in His service. Ugly, I know! On so many levels!! I don't like sharing this, but before I knew it, my hand was reaching for pen and paper to write, so, here it is...

I realized that I am just as bad as my kids - no, worse, because I know better - about fighting for His attention. I praise God that so many times, He uses the relationship with my kids to each me more about Him. Rather than begging for God's attention, it is just as I tell my own children, "I love each of you. There is plenty of room for each of you to walk by my side."

Lord, forgive me of my selfishness. Help me to come along side of my sisters and brothers in Christ and encourage them to seek You and Your service wholeheartedly. Thank you for using ordinary people to accomplish extraordinary things. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

GPS

2009-08-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

"I am the way and the truth and the life." John 15:5 (NIV)

My husband recently acquired one of those GPS things (though a mail-in rebate after purchasing a new set of tires), and he’s spent the last few days driving blind—letting this new device take the lead. He’s driven to places he knows good and well how to get to, but he let the GPS instruct him instead.

On occasion, the GPS took my husband on a different route than to which he was accustomed, but he still made it to his destination. Once or twice, my husband took a wrong turn because he misinterpreted the friendly voice coming from the new system. However, after tuning his attention back to the GPS, he arrived to his desired location safe and sound.

The bible study I’m taking talks about letting Jesus be your guide; following God one day, one turn, one step at a time. God desires for us to look to Him for direction in life. He wants to be our GPS—our Godly Positioning System. In fact, God’s GPS is a simple device to use…we don’t even have to know or enter a destination. God has already decided where we need to go. He is the Author and Creator of life.

Am I the first to see the novelty in this phrase? Probably not. But what a great way to remember to always seek the Father for guidance.

Feel lost? Need directions? Get a GPS!

The Real Me

2009-08-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

So I stepped outside this morning and nearly broke out in song “Oh What a Beautiful Morning, Oh What a Beautiful Day” from the musical “Oklahoma” (actually my mind did break out in song and it’s been going round and round in my head ever since!). It rained last night for maybe the 3rd time in three months since we relocated to Central Texas, and it is soooo refreshing. There is a beautiful story about rain on the blog dated 1/25/08 by Angie Smith, wife of Todd from the Christian group Selah, and I’ve added a link to her blog on the side, as we seem to have a few things in common (am I worthy of comparing myself to such a wonderful lady?!?). The air was so fresh this morning, that even though the end of summer is yet a month a way, I could sense fall just around the corner. No deer though…they must have already gone back down to the creek for their morning nap (the deer are our closest neighbors; we see 12-15 deer every day, usually morning, mid-afternoon, and night).

What, you may ask, does all of this have to do with grief? Nothing. I’ve felt God’s gentle nudging to make this blog a bit more personal. You want the real me, not my “polished” stories. Plus, I’m using way too much paper—killing tons of trees—on all my journal entries. Time to take it online. God’s doing too many good things for me to keep to myself. Little things. But sometimes, those are the best!

I promise not to make this blog too much about the kiddos; I have a family website for that. Although I did pull out the “Santa is watching you” bit after an argument between the girls this morning at the breakfast table…I told you fall was in the air!

Rather, I’ll write about the view from the mountain tops, from the valleys, and life in between. For those of you who follow me on Facebook, realize that my stories are streamed from my blog. I hope you’ll forgive me if my entries seem a bit heavier (and lengthier) than the subject of what I might be making for dinner tonight (trust me, with the type of cook I am, dinner stories would never be interesting…actually, with the type of cook I am, dinner stories might be quite interesting—like the time I attempted to crumble up fresh bread for a recipe that called for “breadcrumbs.” If they mean cracker crumbs, why don’t they just say cracker crumbs?!? But I digress…).

And I’ll ask for prayer. I’ve begun working on the next book. I am overflowing with things I feel God wants me to share about Him. Each time I share A Place of Peace with someone, I want to say, “But there is more;” because there is…so much more to the story. I don’t usually make public these types of request because I think, “What if it never comes to fruition?" I’ll look like a fool, a phony, a fake, a flop for mentioning it. And the next book may never come to fruition. But, I feel led to ask for prayer, so I’m asking out of obedience. If it is God’s will, there will be a way.

I am taking a study about Experiencing God and it is already changing my life. We can each experience God every moment of our lives—in good times and in bad—if we just seek Him. It is so simple in theory, yet so incredibly challenging in practice. But even as I write, my husband left for me a short devotional to read, and it is a copy of something I read last night. The same article in a completely different book, by a completely different author, aimed at completely different audiences. Yet, God brought this story to me two times within a twelve hour period. What a humbling experience to realize that He is with you always. Thank you, Lord, for making me smile. I’d better go read the article again to make sure I get His point!

Unchanging

2009-07-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

Grief is forever changing. Some days I’m fine; other days, grief comes banging at my door. Some birthday anniversaries pass without too much pain (as in last year); other birthdays fill me with loneliness for my daughter who passed away (as in this year). It’s unfair, really, that grief often rears it’s ugly head when we least expect it. Just when things seem to be going fine, grief strikes without a moments notice.

I experienced one such moment yesterday. The twins’ birthday is but one week away, so I know to be on guard. I’ve had a few tender thoughts lately, but for the most part I have been okay—until I spoke on the phone with the office of our new pediatrician.

Having recently moved to Central Texas, I was explaining to the new pediatrician my need to make an appointment for my surviving twin daughter in honor of her 4th birthday. I requested extra time with the doctor to allow for review of my daughter’s extensive medical history as a 14-week premature twin. It was then that the nurse asked if I also needed to make an appointment for my other twin daughter…and I had to tell her, “no.”

It broke my heart. I was reminded of the so many things I do not get to do for or with Alysa. No doctor appointments. No first days of school. No combing her hair or brushing her teeth each night before bed.

It is so easy to focus on all that I have lost. But that leads me no where. I believe it is okay to feel somber for a short time but when I tire of the sadness—and before sorrow overtakes me completely—I make a conscious decision to focus my thoughts on the hope offered to me through my faith in God.

The only place I find sustainable hope for my future, in spite of my daughter’s death, is through my faith in God. He is the only One strong enough to help me overcome my grief. Though faith, I rely on scriptures such as Colossians 3:1-2, which reads, “Set your hearts on things above…set your minds on things above, not earthly things.” Rather than focusing on the grief over my earthly loss, I am reminded to set my heart and mind on things above; on heaven and the promise—though my faith in Christ—of eternal life with my daughter Alysa.

When grief is ever changing, I am so thankful I love and serve a God who is never changing. “Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you,” Isaiah 46:4.

Trust

2009-05-08T13:50:00.000-07:00

I recently read an e-mail that included one of those Microsoft Power Point slide shows…you know, the kind of message that is supposed to inspire you to live a better life, be grateful for all you have, etc. Well…it worked!

The slide show was about all the people who just missed being at the World Trade Center on that fateful day—September 11, 2001. One man was late to work because it was his son’s first day of kindergarten. Another was late because he wore new shoes to work, which rubbed a blister so he stopped at a store on the way to the office to buy a band-aid. The theme of the slide show was to be thankful for all the little annoying delays in life because those things keep you just where God wants you.

As I pondered the message in the e-mail, I began to wonder if God will one day show us all the times He protected us throughout our lives. Will we finally realize the reason we were stopped by a train on the way to work, or late to a meeting because of traffic, or missed a flight because we misplaced something at home? I imagined being in awe as I might truly begin “to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ” (Ephesians 3:18).

I thought about how much I love my own children and how I wish they could truly understand, even at their young ages of 3, 2, and 3 months, just how much I love them. And I was reminded about a time just this past week when I found myself begging my 3 year old to trust me.

You see, my daughter had nasty scrape on her big toe. She had a large piece of skin hanging off of her toe (I know, TMI, right?!?) that I wanted to cut away so that her toe would not become infected. My daughter, of course, was kicking and screaming, “No Mommy, no! Leave me alone!” It crushed me that she didn’t trust me. That she couldn’t see I was trying to make things better for her. That she can not comprehend my love for her and realize that even if it does hurt, in the end, I have her best interest at heart.

And then I felt God’s gentle nudge. I felt as if He were saying, “See Jenny, I feel the same way sometimes. I love you more than you could ever imagine. Why won’t you just trust me? Even when it hurts?”

Let me encourage us all to trust Him…even when it hurts. He has great things planned for us. He has our best interest at heart. We can trust Him in all aspects of life. “He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber” (Psalm 121:3).

Emotional Baggage

2009-05-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

Moving on is so hard to do.

For the past two months, we have been preparing to move away from a house we dearly love and a town we’ve called home for the past 8 years. We’re down to the last few weeks and it is really hitting hard.

During these past few months, I have packed away many of our things. However, along with our material possessions, my heart has had to pack away my emotional belongings as well.

I feel there is so much I am leaving behind. So many memories—some terrific, some painful.

My husband and I moved to this town shortly after we were married. This is the first home my husband and I owned. This is the birthplace of our first and second, third, and fourth children.

Though my daughter Alysa never arrived home to this house, we “experienced” her here. This is the home in which I discovered I was pregnant; it is the home in which my husband and I sat in shock after it was revealed to us that we were expecting twins; it is the home in which I prepared a room for Alysa and her identical twin sister, Alexa.

This is the home in which I cried my heart out as my twin daughters lain sick in their hospital beds. This is the home in which I screamed to the Lord in frustration, disbelief, and misunderstanding after Alysa passed away. This is the home in which I eventually gave it all to the Lord and prayed for Him to restore my soul. This is the home in which I poured my emotions into a journal, and in which I eventually wrote my book. This is the home in which, by the grace of God, I made peace with my daughter’s death.

And I thought I was okay. However, packing up all of my emotions is tough.

But perhaps more importantly is the question…how will I unpack? Just where, I wonder, will I place all of my emotional baggage?

Will I let it clutter our new beginning? Will I let it bring me down? Will I long for my home, for the town that is so dear? Will I let it keep the new place from ever feeling like “home?”

I hope not.

Because I strive to seek the Lord’s guidance in everything—I’ve learned to invite Him into my day each morning—I believe this move is God’s will for us. So, just as I wrote in my book, I can choose to focus on all that we’ve lost, or that we’re leaving behind, or I can choose to focus on the hope offered to me through my faith in God.

I’ve used these verses many times, but it is because they are the good ones (okay, it’s all good, but these are really enticing!). 1 Corinthians 2:9 reads, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.” Ephesians 3:20 reads, “Now glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of - infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes” (LB).

I choose to cling to these truths!

Because of my faith, I believe I will be reunited with Alysa someday. Because I believe in the spiritual realm of things (for example, Ephesians 6:12, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms),” I believe Alysa is with me. I am not leaving her behind in the cemetery near our home. Instead, she is alive and very well and she will make the trip with us to our new destination.

Moving on is hard to do. But when we go with the grace of God, we can walk confidently; we can charge boldly into our future. “On the day I called, You answered me; You made me bold with strength in my soul” (Psalm 138:3 NASB).

My Savior Lives!

2009-04-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

What a glorious day, today, Easter Sunday! The day Jesus defeated death by rising from the grave. In service this morning we sang a song titled “And God Cried” by Chris and Diane Machen (God first cried in sorrow over the death of His Son but three days later cried out in rejoice over Jesus’ resurrection) and I envisioned the heavenly celebration of Easter Sunday. Today is the day God was reunited with His Child. I can only imagine the joy, the true elation God must have felt in wrapping His arms around His Son once again that blessed day.

Because I have accepted and believe in the gift of what Jesus did for me on the cross that one Friday, I have the promise of eternal life and believe that I will one day experience that same joy in being reunited, not only with my Heavenly Father, but with my child—my Alysa. It is my faith in what Jesus did for me on the cross that offers me hope for the future in spite of my daughter’s death here on earth.

I encourage anyone who does not know Jesus or who is unfamiliar with just what “price” Jesus paid for us on the cross, to consult someone of faith—e-mail me if you need to!

You see, Jesus saved me once, this past Friday (Good Friday), as He died on the cross to pay my penalty of sin (to read more about Jesus’ death, I highly recommend the book Six Hours One Friday by Max Lucado). Jesus bore God’s wrath—His own Father’s judgment—in my place, and that should have been enough for me to live my life for Him…but it wasn’t.

Because we are so entranced in our sin, it is easy to lose touch with just how our sin separates us from God, or the fact that our sin would permanently keep us from God if it were not for Jesus. We know we are sinners but because we are so accustomed to our sinful nature, the true price Jesus paid for us becomes intangible at times.

God is perfect; He can not be associated with sin. Jesus—who was perfect—became sin for us on the cross. God sent His Son to this earth, knowing He would be separated from Him. As Jesus was on the cross, He called out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). Jesus called out to His dad—and His dad could not save Him. God couldn’t not save Jesus because He was incapable; He couldn’t save Jesus because someone had to die for our sin and God sent Jesus to do just that.

So Jesus saved me once by dieing on the cross in my place, and that should have been enough. But He saved me again by giving me hope after my daughter passed away.

Because I was born with a sinful heart, I may lose sight of the significance of what Jesus did for me on the cross. But I am very in touch with the hopelessness the death of a child can bring to one’s life. The loneliness, the sorrow, the desperation of grief is very tangible. I remember how badly it hurt.

Yet God gave me hope. He promised me that life could be great again in spite of my daughter’s death. He comforts me by using my daughter’s death for a greater purpose; to further His kingdom; to reveal His glory. God saved me a second time by offering me hope for my future.

For all of this, it is my deepest desire to spend the rest of my life dedicated to His service. I praise you sweet Lord, that You have risen! That You overcame death to prove that those who believe will not stay dead but will have eternal life with You. That You overcame death to prove that You are God. I praise God that You are alive and well, dwelling within us today!

Eatin' Some Good Fruit

2009-03-13T19:01:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve been feeding on some good fruit—fruit of the Spirit. In the book of Galatians, the bible talks about the fruit of the Sprit; that if you’ve accepted God’s Son, Jesus, as your savior, the Holy Spirit lives within you, and through the Holy Spirit (i.e. God), you are entitled to these fruits. As my bible puts it, “Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22 lists the fruit of the Spirit as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Pretty good qualities to have, if you ask me.

I’ve been praying very hard lately that God would fill me with His Holy Spirit so that I could maintain His “fruit,” mainly peace and joy, through what is a very stressful time in my life. We recently gave birth to another little girl and since her birth, my husband and I have decided to relocate our precious family to another city for a job opportunity. So in between adjusting to life with three children, I am also preparing to sell a home that I love and leave behind so much to which we’ve grown accustomed.

I could let this season of life be sad and stressful, however, this is a season we strongly believe is God’s will for us. Therefore I chose to let the Holy Spirit fill me so that I can find peace and joy even amongst the chaos…

…and it is working! Even in the midst of 3am feedings, and the boxes piled high, and all the eight year old dust bunnies that are popping out from hidden places, I am at peace. I am able to enjoy this time in my life because I believe this is God’s plan for us and I know that I can trust Him to provide all that we need.

Even in the terrible housing market, He will bring a buyer for our home and prepare for us a new home in our new city. He will allow me the time to pack all of our family’s belongings all while caring for three children under the age of four. He will enable me to be the mother my children need me to be even though I feel as though I am neglecting them with all the demands a big move brings. Sure at times, guilt sets in…but did you notice? Guilt is not one of God’s delicious fruits! Instead, I know that God loves my children even more than I do and that He has plans to grow all of us - my husband, my children, and me - through this experience.

God has called me to be a new mom again and to move our family, all at the same time. Though that may mean my older toddlers are left to entertain themselvs more than usual, I can find peace trusting that He is using this time to mold them to be who He wants them to be. I can stand firm knowing that He will sustain me (Isaiah 46:4) and though Him, I can do all things (Philippians 4:13).

Is life getting tough? Tired of the stresses and the chaos? Try eating some good fruit!

Letting Go

2009-02-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

This past fall I once again found myself in a season of “letting go.” Per doctor’s advice, we enrolled our surviving twin daughter in two-day-a-week preschool. Three months into the school year, my daughter loved it, but I continued to struggle with letting her go! Each time I drove away, I was reminded of what it felt like to leave behind Alexa and her identical-twin sister, Alysa, in Neonatal Intensive Care as a result of their fourteen-week-premature delivery. I was reminded of what it felt like to let go of Alexa as I placed her back in her crib each night and left the hospital empty-handed—89 days in a row. And I was reminded of what it felt like to let go of Alysa as she passed away in my arms after just 28 days…

Letting go is at the core of grief. It is having to let go of our loved ones that causes us to grieve. After my daughter’s death, I initially tried to beat the system by refusing to let Alysa go. Instead, I entered a six-month long phase of denial. I chose to believe that if I prayed hard enough, I just might wake up one morning and realize that it had all been just a bad dream. I was afraid to let go of my daughter because I feared how badly it would hurt to truly accept her death. I was afraid that letting go would cause me to forget my daughter. I could not bear to let go of the way I thought my life should come to pass because I saw my way as the only way to live.

But refusing to let go brought upon me an unbearable struggle. Because I chose wait for things to return to the way I wanted them to be, I was unable to make any forward progress in life. I was stuck; paralyzed by grief. And eventually, I was exhausted by the fight. I wanted to find a way to be happy again. I wanted to be able to reclaim the extraordinary life I’ve always dreamed of living. So I turned to the only place that could give me hope, and that was to my faith in God.

Though my daughter’s death caused me to question everything I had ever believed about God, He is still the only One who promises me good things in spite of my daughter’s death. The bible teaches that God will use all things, all things, for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Though I couldn’t imagine how God could ever reconcile my daughter’s death, I chose to believe not only that He could, but that He would.

And so it is the same not just in death, but in life. When our “To Do" list seems never-ending; when we feel as though we are spinning out of control; when we realize we just can’t keep up with it all; it’s time to let go. Time to let go of what we want or what we think is important and focus on what God has prepared for us. In Matthew 11:28 the bible reads, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

It was in my deepest state of grief that, for the first time, I learned to let go of the way I thought things should be and learned to see things God’s way instead. As my favorite bible verse, 1 Corinthians 2:9, reads, “no eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him."

Letting go allowed me to make peace with my daughter’s death. Letting go of the way I wanted things to be actually allows me to remember my daughter more, not less as I once feared, because I no longer fight the memory of loosing her. Instead, I remember my daughter for who she was—my beautiful baby who could only stay with me a short time. And though I miss her during the day, my other daughter Alexa is having a wonderful time in preschool. You see, only in learning to let go can we discover the freedom to truly live!

Just Breathe

2008-12-01T06:48:00.000-08:00

Whew! Won’t I be glad when the 3AM emergency trips to a steamy bathroom cease!?! You see, my surviving twin daughter has a history of Croup, and with the recent onset of cold and flu season, she has come down with the first of what will likely be several bouts of the Croup.

My daughter wakes up in the middle of the night struggling to breathe, which forces me to scoop her up, rallied in fear, and run to the nearest bathroom to quickly fill it with steam. Thankfully, the hot, moist air opens up her airway within a matter of minutes. Other than a dose of steroids, there isn’t much else to do to fight the Croup.

Though I’m completely exhausted after two nights of repeating this routine between one and three times a night, as I myself am also fighting a nasty cold, I have also grown an appreciation for these middle-of-the-night visits with my daughter. Even though her tummy is retracting because it is so difficult to breathe, she sits so calmly in my lap as we wait for the steam to do it’s trick. She’s completely relaxed and comforted because she trusts that I will meet every one of her needs. My daughter knows that when she comes to me, she has nothing to fear.

Oh, how our Heavenly Father longs for us to come to Him in the very same manner. With no fear; no doubt that He can and will resolve our struggles; trusting wholeheartedly that He will meet each of our needs. My daughter does not know how I will make her feel better; she doesn’t ask because she doesn’t need to know; she doesn’t try to tell me how to make her feel better; she just sits and allows me to do what I know needs to be done.

In Matthew chapter 2, the disciples ask Jesus, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" Jesus responds by calling forth a child and says, "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 2:1-4). Jesus says that we should all be like little children. Children are (for the most part) obedient; loving; and they trust wholeheartedly.

Our Heavenly Father longs for us to sit in His lap and let Him comfort us and care for us in our times of struggle. I remember feeling smothered by grief after my daughter passed away. It sometimes felt as though I could not breathe without her; without having all of my children here to love.

But eventually I tired of the hopelessness and I cried out to our Lord. I didn’t see how He could possibly heal my pain; I couldn’t imagine how He might resolve my struggles; but He did. I couldn’t see a way to healing, so I had to trust Him and His ways wholeheartedly.

Turning to God allowed me such freedom. It wasn’t up to me to resolve my grief, it was up to Him. I have learned so much about God’s promises to us, about His love for us, and about His great plans for us, that I have been able to make peace with my daughter’s death. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss her; it means that I understand and accept that there is a much greater plan and purpose to life than I ever imagined. I believe in our Heavenly Father. I’ve accepted Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross for my sins. Therefore, I know I will be reunited with my daughter someday for eternity. Eternity.

So when you are struggling to catch your breath; when you feel faint, as though you are about to give out; when you feel like you can’t possibly go on—run to your Heavenly Father; climb up in His lap; relax; trust in Him and just breathe.

Freedom to Remember

2008-11-11T14:17:00.000-08:00

A song on the radio; the smell or sight of something familiar; something someone says or does that is seemingly insignificant to them, yet is of great significance to you…

Each of us have certain triggers and when those triggers are pulled, memories of our loved ones can come flooding back to us—whether or not we are ready. For me today, it was a song on the radio, I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe.

I Can Only Imagine is the song I desperately wanted to have played at our daughter’s funeral. I say wanted to have played because this song had just come out on the radio at the time of our daughter’s death, and I could not for the life of me remember what it was called. I could have spent 2 days (the time we had to prepare for our daughter’s funeral – very few of us make funeral arrangements in advance for our own child) glued to the radio listening for the song to play, but rather than adding the extra stress to my life, my husband and I settled on Amazing Grace for Alysa’s funeral. Amazing Grace is a beautiful song, but every time I hear I Can Only Imagine, my heart almost comes to a standstill. I can only imagine what it will be like, not just to see Jesus one day, but to be reunited with my daughter for eternity.

I imagine my daughter and what it will be like to see her again. I think of the first time I saw her here on Earth…and of the last…and of the twenty-eight days in between. Though remembering my daughter makes me a little sad, I rely on faith to pull me through.

In the beginning, it was almost too painful to sit and purposefully remember my daughter Alysa. All I could think about was how desperately I wanted her back. Thoughts of hopelessness would prevail over me until I was once again paralyzed by grief.

But in learning to accept God’s plans for my life, as well as for the lives of my identical-twin daughters, I have been able to make peace with my daughter’s death. I do not always like the plan, but I trust and believe that God’s plan is sovereign. I know that His plan is bigger and better than anything I can ever imagine, and that it is His plan that will bring Him glory. I’ve learned to love the Lord enough that I want Him glorified, even at the expense of my own suffering.

My faith offers me hope for the future in spite of my daughter’s death. My faith gives me the freedom to remember my daughter because I know she did not die in vain. Though I miss her dearly, I can enjoy remembering her because I know we will be reunited again someday.

By His Amazing Grace...

Broken Chains

2008-05-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

“My chains are gone, I’ve been set free…” These are lyrics from the song Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone) by Chris Tomlin, and they speak straight to my heart for two reasons. First, I feel that my daughter was set free from the chains of her medical complications, which included extreme brain damage, as she left my arms to be with the Lord well over two years ago. That is why we had the song Amazing Grace played at her funeral. Though I was saddened beyond all means by my daughter’s death, I felt it was God’s grace that called her home. I was comforted by my belief that in her death she had been freed from the chains that would have bound her so tightly here on earth. But the second reason these lyrics are most meaningful to me is that I feel my chains have been broken…I feel I have been set free since seeking relief from my grief in the arms of our Lord and Savior.

After my daughter passed away, I felt I would be forever bound by the chains of grief. Though I was aware of God’s promises of good things for those who know and love Him, I saw no way for “good” to ever return to my life. I believed the burden of grieving for my lost child would prevent me from ever being truly happy. Essentially, I stopped believing in God’s promises.

But my disbelief and distrust in the Lord left me without hope. No earthly thing had been able to comfort me in my grief. Nothing had been able to convince me that my life would be good again. And eventually, I tired of the hopelessness. Even though I could not see how they might come to fruition, I made the choice to believe in the sovereignty of God’s plan for my life and in His promises. And choosing to believe in Him, putting my trust in Him, has allowed Him to work extraordinary measures in my life.

Choosing to trust God with my situation unlocked the chains. Though it still took time for the chains of my grief to fall, freedom began the moment I chose to trust the Lord. It wasn’t up to me to reconcile my daughter’s death. It was up to the Lord. And turning to God brought peace to my soul. Philippians 4:7 states, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” It is that peace which inspired me to write my book, A Place of Peace.

Once I chose to trust God, I began to study Him more. I wanted to know more about how He might work in my life and all that He promises to do. Learning about Him, and all that He has done, and all that He is going to do, has allowed me great appreciation for Him. And that appreciation has lead to adoration.

Because I have learned to focus on Him and Him alone, the chains of my earthly way of living and of my grief are gone. I have learned how to love the Lord with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my mind, which is described by Jesus in Matthew 28:37 as the greatest commandment.

I recently wrote in another blog (visit http://www.fetalhope.org/) about the freedom that comes from accepting God’s sovereign plan. Accepting and believing in God’s plan for me is what broke the chains and freed me into living what I feel is an extraordinary life. Mark 8:35 says, “Only those who throw their lives away for my sake, and for the sake of the good news, will ever know what it means to really live.” I feel that this is so true. Only now, only since my chains have been broken, do I feel I have been set free to live!

His Ways

2008-01-29T19:16:00.000-08:00

It doesn't get any easier - the Earthly side of grief anyway. When I focus on God, I can accept that loosing my daughter was part of His plan for my life, and I am not afraid to embrace God's plan because I know He has amazing things in store (1 Corinthians 2:9).

But the second I take my eye off of God and think only of myself and my loss, I feel as though I am buried under 1000 tons of sand. My life is overcome by sadness and I question how I can keep going without my daughter.

The only way I have hope is through my faith in the Lord. I know He is in control. God loves me and my family more than I can comprehend. God has our best interests at heart. So I trust Him. ALL of my hope and trust is in Him.

When Earthly ways don't work, I praise God that I have Him to look to. Because as Isaiah 55:8-9 states: God's ways are higher than our ways. That is why He can help us when no one else can.